What is a brassist's favorite movie?
Gone witht the Woodwinds.
What instrument is usually the most out of tune: oboe, French horn, timpani or saxophone?
How can I answer that? I can't even think with this earache you just gave me!
Two guys are standing on the curb when a taxi pulls up. One is holding a pair of drumsticks, and the other is carrying a trombone case. Who is the professional musician?
The taxi driver.
What do you get when you cross a piccolo with an oboe?
An earache.

Concert Band Personnel Standards:
Conductor:
Leaps tall buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a locomotive
Is faster than a speeding bullet
Walks on water
Gives policy to god
Concertmistress:
Leaps short buildings in a single bound
Is more powerful than a switch engine
Is just as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water if the sea is calm
Talks with god
Clarinetist:
Leaps short buildings with a running start and favorable winds
Is almost as powerful as a switch engine
Is almost as fast as a speeding bullet
Walks on water on an indoor swimming pool
Talks with god if special request is approved
Oboist:
Barely clears a tool shed
Loses a tug-of-war with a locomotive
Can fire a speeding bullet
Swims well
Is occasionally addressed by god
Trumpeter:
Makes mark high on a wall when trying to clear short buildings
Gets run over by locomotives
Can sometimes handle a gun without injuring self
Dog-paddles
Has interesting conversations with animals
Trombonist:
Runs into buildings
Recognizes locomotives two times out of three
Is not issued ammunition
Can stay afloat with a life jacket
Talks to walls, argues with self
Drummer:
Falls over self trying to climb into bed
Says, "Look, a choo-choo"
Doesn't even get a water pistol
Plays in mud puddles
Loses arguments with self
Bassoonist:
Lifts tall buildings and walks under them
Kicks locomotives off tracks for fun
Catches speeding bullets in teeth and eats them
Freezes water with a single glance
(That's in there on little world though)

Support literacy; learn to reed. Give the band a kick in the brass.

"Life is short. Make good use of it. Play low brass." - The Machine

In the beginning, there were only woodwinds in the band. But it was soon discovered that some people were too slow to move the fingers of both hands at the same time, so these people were given instruments that only required movement of one hand. These people sat in the back and were called "brass." But some people were too clumsy to do even that, so they were given instruments that required no finger movement at all. These people sat way in the back, cracked disgusting jokes all day, and were called "trombonists" (Italian for "clumsy fools"). But some people were too stupid to blow into something while moving their arms. These people were each given two sticks and told to bang them on whatever they felt like, hence creating percussionists. But one guy was too stupid for that! So in the end, they just took away one of his sticks and told him to stand in the front, wave the one stick around, and yell at anyone with any talent. And that was the origin of the first conductor.

How can you make a trombone sound like a French horn?
Put your hand in the bell and miss all the notes.
How can you make a French horn sound like a trombone?
Take your hand out of the bell and lose all sense of taste.

How do horn players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I played that last year."
How do trumpet players traditionally greet each other?
"Hi. I'm better than you."

Imagine a piccolo player, a clarinet player, a bassoon player and a drummer sitting around a table. Now if you drop a ten dollar bill right in the middle and tell them they're free to take it, who's getting it?
The clarinet player. The bassoon player is too slow, for the piccolo player it's too little money and the drummer didn't get the assignment.
There's a twenty dollar bill on the floor. Which of a French hornist, a drummer, a flutist, and trumpeter picks it up?
The trumpeter. The drummer gets lost on the way there, the flutist is late, and the French hornist doesn't care about notes anyway.
A bassist, a drummer, a tubist, and a saxophonist are lined up on the edge of a football field. If you put a fifty dollar bill on the opposite edge and tell them that the first one to reach the other side gets it, who wins the money?
The saxophonist. The tuba player is still trying to figure out what's going on, the drummer misses his cue, and the bassist is following the drummer.

Last summer, the local band decided to play Beethoven's 9th symphony. However, it being quite hot, the band members were working up quite a sweat until a neighbor let them use some fans from her house. However, the wind from these fans was causing the music to blow all over the place and the music stands to rock back and forth, so they tied the music to the stands and packed the stands in garbage cans. The din from the fans was so bad that the tubists decided it didn't matter if they downed a few drinks and got totally drunk. Two of the trumpeters passed out from the heat. One of the clarinetists, in disgust, decided to go home but slipped and fell...
Thus, it was the bottom of the 9th, the basses were loaded, the score was tied with two men out, the stands were packed and the fans were roaring when one of the players slid home.
Flag Corps Hit Point System (X2 if you knock them down):
Other Flag: 0
Flute: 10
Clarinet: 10
Saxophone: 15
Trumpet: 20
Trombone: 25
Baritone: 35
Sousaphone: 50
Drumline: 55
Drum Major: 65
Band Director: Run!!!!!
One day, the conductor of a no-name band got seriously ill, so they pulled the second to last flute player to conduct for him. Everything went off without a hitch, and the band sounded great! So for the upcoming concert, they fired their old director and let the flute player conduct. It was incredible! They got rave reviews, went on numerous tours all over the world, and became the most famous band in history. Then one day, the flute player told the manager that she would like to go back and play, and could they hire a new conductor. So the flute player went back to her seat, where her stand partner asked, "Oh, and where have YOU been?"

Band Director,
Pay the 1 million or the trombone player gets it!
Dear Criminal,
What! Thats too much for a trombone player! How about ten bucks?

Sincerely,
The Band Director


*If a drummer was a pitcher, then what kind of ball would he throw?
A screwball

*How do you confuse a drummer?
Put music in front of him.

*Whats the range of a tuba?
20 yards, if you have a good arm.

*Why is it no fun to go to playgrounds with trombone players?
Because they can't slide and they can't swing.

*Why do football players hate the band?
Because after haftime everyone leaves.

*How many trumpet players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Two, one to do it and the other to say they could of done it better.

A tuba player accidently locked his keys in the car, so he had to get a lock smith to get the drummer out.

A guy walked into a store and saw a sign that read....
Saxophone Brains @lb
Tuba Brains @lb
Drummer Brains @lb
Clarinet Brains @lb

The guy asked the clerk, "Why do clarinet brains cost so much more a pound?" The clerk looks at him and says, "do you know how many clarinetist you have to go to get a pound?"

*What do you get when you cross a piccalo with a clarinet?
An ear ache

A sign you need a vacation from band would be if

You are starting to get your band director's jokes
If you are laughing at your band director's jokes
If your a brass player, and seem to have grown a black mustache
If when you go to bed you can still read and finger music in your sleep.
If you don't have the strength to brag.